Archive for August, 2010

My Summer in Hell

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

This is a very personal entry, i will tell you why i write this at the end because i feel you need the back story to take anything useful from this blog. However be warned, i’m gonna be extremely blunt here, normally i try to keep my stuff totally clean, however feelings are best understood uncensored, and to understand the lesson, i hope you’ll understand it all, when you are finished reading this.

My summer vacation has been a nightmare, i’ve been lower then i ever thought i would be, i have had thoughts of quitting it all; music, school even contact with near and dear friends of mine, why i’m not totally sure, but i know that something have had a impact on this.

I been out of work for a while, since January to be exact, the rejection letters has pilled up, and when i finally got an interview they decided to get someone with experience, this has of course meant that i have had little money to work with, not anything new to me, i’m used to being broke and it never hurt me to have to cut back on parties and that kind off thing. However there was a new problem this time around, when i lost my job, i was in the middle of building up my studio, this is the first time, my music had been affected by my finances since i was just starting taking it serious with my own studio. It wasn’t that bad to start with, i still had lots of toys to learn, so it may have been a smart time to stop buying.

At the beginner of the vacation i was overjoyed, i had just finished the hardest grade, i was to have at this school, i finally had time to focus on music and finding a job, i was sure it would become a good summer, i had plans of releasing a Mixtape and a EP’en. First bullet came when my partner in rhyme’s whore of an ex, decided that she wouldn’t let us release a song where she was on the chorus, despite we had cleaned up all previous beef, she was mad at the other partner in rhymes, because he wouldn’t cheat on his girl with her, we tried to tell her, that she was crazy if she thought, it would help to threaten us and gave her a finger while we burned our contract, while we had all we needed to release the song, we decided it would be better to demonstrate that we couldn’t be threatened and that we rather would work with professional people, then releasing a track with an amateur, that couldn’t let business be business.

The second bullet came soon after, after 50 job applications during two weeks, and not getting one reply, not even a rejection, i braked, why i don’t know exactly, but i couldn’t take it anymore, i went into a frenzy of feelings, most dominant the lust for destruction of something, i started banging my hands into the wall, i screamed “I don’t want to fight anymore, i want to give up.” My sister heard me and spent the next two hours trying to get me to calm down, she has always been there for me and i’m truly thankful for her, after i calmed down, she gave me a bit of money to pay my phone bill, i don’t really know why i snapped then, like i said, i’m no strange to being broke, but something had changed, i don’t know what, but it had.

I figured i needed to focus on the music for a while, figured it would keep me from freaking out, sadly i still had bills to pay and had to borrow money for them, luckily i had my dad, he agreed to let me work it off, so i just spent a half hours walking the dog, something i always enjoyed. The first coule of days after this went smooth, i felt a bit better and i felt this could become a good summer still. This feeling was however soon replaced with desperation, my two brothers by choice and partners in rhyme had a lot to do and i started feeling isolated, i spend little time awake during the day, i was up most the night in front of my computer, trying to make some music, nothing was there, i spend more time just looking at the sequencer, then doing anything and when i did it sounded like shit, i don’t if it was my mind or it really was shit, but nothing seemed to work for me. Still out of work i spend days searching for work, thinking: “If i just get a job, i get money and can get some gear, that will help.” While these words had some truth, i could use more gear, i’m very limited by my set-up, but that wasn’t my main problem, i was blocked, by what i still don’t know. Finally i quitted, i no longer looked for work except a few half ass attempts where i already was sure i wouldn’t get it. Instead i started dreaming of winning a couple of millions, being able to spend them on gear, or if just somebody would hold a contest where i could win a fantom, a motif, a MPC, it seemed more likely to me then getting a job and save up for it, i was stupid, i know, but like i said i had given up. Same with my music, instead of opening the sequencer, i opened games start playing, i started drinking at times where i had no reason, other then escaping a little bit, i wasn’t getting drunk, just spend some more time, not having to think to much about all my problems, i took other escape routes too, i always had the T.V. on no matter what, i tried to avoid sleeping as much as possible, because i always felt vulnerable ¬†when trying to sleep, mind open for bad thoughts, i spend most nights doing stupid stuff, looking at random youtube videos, reading recipes on stuff, i never would eat. I figured that i could use a girl, but at this time i couldn’t do anything, so it was just another daydream, i thought about contacting an old girlfriend, but thankfully i no longer have her number.

By this time my days start blurring into each other, i started smoking more and more and when i wasn’t smoking, i was either watching T.V. or playing games, my music was totally dead, worst thing was now the other two had time now, but i was dead, couldn’t write a line, couldn’t make a bar of music.

Once again i snapped, this time while smoking one night with my brother by choice Stoke, he asked me about finding a job and i just started crying, for the first time in a long time i started talking about it, i told him everything, from my fear of just laying in the bed, when i finally went to bed, to the worst horror in my life, that i wouldn’t be able to make music anymore, we spend hours talking and when i write this i do it with a tear in my eye, few people can take the amount of problems i have laid on him and still call me a brother. Back to the story, the day after i felt better, not like in the movie where it was all gone, but like i had gained a little bit strength and if i did it right i could get back. I started to refuse playing games, instead i spend my time fighting for that one spark, it was still hard, but i refused to give up. Finally it came, i wrote a track called “It’s Like That” about thinking about my past, this was the first success, since this day i have made a few beats, writing a few lines, got a bit more strength.

I’m still not completely out the hole, i have crawl a bit up and now i can see sunshine, school starts thursday for me, i hope getting a bit of routine will help me the last bit of the way, until then i will trying not to fall back, this have been the worst couple of months in my life, worse then when my first chick was cheating on me, worst then when i turned my back on crime and the friends i had there, it has costed me, while i still got my brothers and my sister, i fear i may have lost a few other good friends, refusing to take my part in the friendship, i hope it will become better once i’m out of this whole. My brother Zitto have called it my great depression, i’m not sure if it was a depression, the exact definition of a depression is beyond my knowledge, however i know i have had the worst summer in my 18 years on the earth and i hope, that this will remain the worst, i’m not sure how to handle another one, for now i just hope to be able to get the last bit out the hole and start repairing the damage.

So why did i share this blog with you, because i think we all been in an artistic block and if we press our self, it may become something worse. While music wasn’t the first problem, i’m sure it was music, that made it all spiral. I don’t think you should quit every time you get blocked, there are many ways to trying to brake the block, recreating other works, remixing older songs, working totally technical until something starts appearing. However when nothing works, when every odds are against you, don’t kid yourself, take a brake from music, but don’t try to hide it, take it as it is and talk to people, if you let it spread, you will fall in the same hole i did. Had i acknowledged the block and addressed it from the start, talked to my brothers, not letting it pile up, not trying to kid myself that it was the gears fault, i may have been out now, instead of on the way, maybe i wouldn’t have lost friends, maybe i haven’t i don’t know course i been isolating myself. This blog have a second purely personal reason to, it’s not the first time i have had problems, and writing it when it started to change have helped me before, however it has always been done on aliases only used that once, this is the first time i did it under a name i stand by and sometimes fall by, i hope you have taking something from this blog, if not what i intended at least something.

I hope to be able to complete a more beat making oriented blog soon, but i’m still not quite ready for it yet, i felt i needed to put this out first.

Until then thank you for reading this and i hope your summer have been better then mine.