So it’s the end of my summer vacation and my next semester starts in a bit over a week.
I always get like this at this time, maybe i’m just not good at long breaks from the routine, maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s because my days get flipped, point is around this time my head is spinning and i question everything i do.
But this time is a bit different, my solo album, which is a 5 year old project by now, is finally looking like it’s gonna be done some time before i drop dead.
One of the ideas i been kicking around for this album is a retrospect of the last 5 years and in doing something i realized that i changed a lot in the last five years.
In five years i gone from hanging around the corner with beers and smokes, sleeping in classes and partying everyday, to doing pretty decent (albeit not perfect) at university. I can’t help but be a bit proud especially when i think about my old music teach who told me that i would be in jail or homeless.
I can see or rather hear the change in my music, a lot of my old lyrics where about sex drinking and fighting, a lot of attitude, a lot of don’t fuck with us and a hell of a lot of stupid bullshit.
My lyrics now still contain some of that, i am after all the same person and while i have changed, parts of the old me (for lack of a better term) is still in me. One major change is that my lyrics is becoming more about me and less about the world around me, i’m no longer rapping as much about my block or hood, nor about my chick. It’s more about me, my life and my problems.
The title of the album is Gadedreng og Gentleman, a title that roughly translate into Streetkid and Gentleman.
See streetkid is something we used to label our self as, sort of a way of identifying if you where one of us, if you where you where a streetkid. As for what a streetkid was to us, it basically meant that we hanged together and that we sticked together, if you picked a fight with one streetkid, the rest of us would jump in and if somebody needed money, the rest of us would help him out. This kind of camaraderie was the good side of being a streetkid, the bad side was that we basically didn’t give a fuck about anything, we would get drunk at school, start fights and a bunch of other stupid stuff.
As the title may hint at i now consider myself a bit of both a Gentleman and a Streetkid and sometimes trapped between the two, unsure of where i am or rather what i am.
I’m sure it’s sounds a lot more drastic then it really is, but it’s my best way of putting it.
Basically the concept, as far as it is a concept, for the album is trying to show my entire person, all sides of me, from the remaining bits of streetkid in me, to the Gentleman in me and all in between.
The title track is pretty much the epitome of this idea three verses, one describing me as a streetkid in full, bad and good, the second as a Gentleman again in full and the last underline the fact that neither of those two is me, but i’m somewhere in between. As for the rest of tracks, they all deal with the same theme, trying to cover all bases.
It have been suggested to me that this introspective is a mark of becoming older and more mature, while i certainly don’t disagree that i am getting older (i’m finding arguing against the passing of time very hard to do), i’m not entirely sure that it’s maturity that makes me introspective.
I rather think that it’s a byproduct of what has happened to me, especially during the last year or so, the short recap, as it stand is:
- One depression.
- One brother by choice becoming a dad, the other moving to other side of the country.
- Two semester projects one with a great group and one with a terrible one.
- Two failed relationships with the same chick (yeah i’ll a bit the second one wasn’t a bright idea to being with).
- Moving out on my own.
While all of these experiences, some more positive then others (clearly) has left me with experiences that have had impact on my life and i was been trying, with varying success to write about them, it was a wild goose chase for a long time, i would write a couple of lines and then trash them, then write some completely unrelated lines and trash them, i could see the idea i was looking for, quite clearly, i just couldn’t see what it exactly was. Like looking at something you never seen before, i could describe it, in great detail even, but if you asked me what i was, i couldn’t tell you.
The turning point came a couple of weeks after i moved out and a week after the second relationship hit the fan, the idea wasn’t in any of these experiences on their own, but in the whole, the dealings of life as me.
While i don’t claim to live a life worth covering in every detail, like some reality stars seems to think they do, i do think that i can offer some perspectives and insight into, if nothing else, what made me the guy i am, and i like to think that at least somebody else finds this interesting.
While i’m still up in the air about a lot of things, i still have a lot of unresolved issues i have to deal with and i still loose sleep and wake up late at night drenched in sweat in the fear that i somehow has wasted my chance, i’m a lot more at peace with myself then i where a year ago and a hell of a lot more then five years ago.
Back around the time i started the idea for this album, those five years ago, back when i was a fuck up with nothing but a bad attitude, i wrote a story, it was pretty much just a recap of a party i been to with some added content to give the meaning i wanted. It was called “Behind the Mirror” and basically what i was trying to say back then was that i was scared of myself, what i could do and what i couldn’t.
I don’t think it’s something special, the story itself was pretty much garbage and i think every teenager goes through a period of self doubt and fear, not unlike what i was going through.
The guy behind the mirror has since then become my personification of all the self doubt and fear that i still occasionally get, i don’t think he’ll ever disappear entirely, nor do i think that there is anything special about, other then the fact that i decided to personify these thoughts, that i’m sure many people struggle with.
Basically my album is more or less about my struggle against him and where it have gotten me, both the good and the bad, the times i won and done things i thought i never would and the times he won.
Back when i wrote my last blog i was still coming to terms with the fact that i in a relatively early age (at least it seemed so at the time) had to deal with my plans being completely screwed over. I was bitter and truth be told i have been bitter for a long time. It seemed so unfair that my plans didn’t work out, when i had spend so much time making them, especially based on something as trivial as a job.
I’m not going to lie and say that i’m not still a bit bitter and sad about it, who wouldn’t be, nor am i gonna claim that it doesn’t scare me a little bit that things can change so drastically based on something you have so little control over as the job situation, but i have come somewhat to terms with it, while i may not be walking the roads that i thought and hoped i would, i’m still moving and i’m still moving forward.
In the end working on this album again after a year of more or less nothing is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing that i’m able to do something i love again, but it’s a curse that it forces me to realize that things didn’t turn out the way i planned and that whatever i plan to do, it might not happen.
That said, every story gotta end sometimes, and in the end i just hope mine will have a happy ending, until then i’m gonna keep writing it.